Nippon Geographic: The Namimori Region
by SekhmetDaCat
Summary: See your favorite Reborn!characters with a National Geographic twist! WE ACCEPT REQUESTS! And, if you think you've seen something similar before, please direct yourselves to my AN in the prologue. Ch.5 Gokudera A.K.A. Tako nelle Paco!
1. Welcome to Nippon Geographic

Nippon Geographic

When people search for "Life Quotes" they are often looking for quotes about life. Why do the major search engines only give them hundreds of pages of commercial garbage about Life Insurance Quotes? -----Bill Austin

_AN: Welcome to Nippon Geographic! For those who remember Silver-White-Tiger's "Following the White Rabbit", you will probably recognize my minuscule contribution to her 'currently being re-written' story. _

_Although, I must point out that I've decided to do a cannon version of this National Geographic parody. Which means that the Kirin Corin parts are out, but that's alright I still have my Homo Erectus Nipponicus, sub-species The Tsuna, to use and abuse to my heart's content, so no worries._

_And, of course, requests and reviews would be much appreciated__!_

_How else would I figure out, who you want next?!_

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The world is an exceptionally large and strange place, populated by colorful and unique creatures of all shapes and sizes.

Amongst, the most unique yet plentiful inhabitants of our planet, are the hominids; creatures whose scientific name possesses 'Homo' as their proper genus.

These beings have spread out and populated all the continents, with the exception of Antarctica.

Capable of impressive feats in technology and sciences, these creatures have gone and altered vast portions of their surroundings in order to make life less dangerous and more comfortable for themselves. The process of merely creating anime, manga and doujinshi is a testament to just how scientifically advanced these beings are (digital technology, television, internet, 1337 drawing skills, scanners, etc.), not to mention the even larger markets for these products.

The entire deal is proof enough of just how prosperous the hominids are. If you look back, you'll realize that a scant 70 years ago TV didn't even exist!

Nippon Geographic dedicates itself to observing the hominids inhabiting the Japanese Archipelago or, as the natives call it, the Nihon Rettō.

However, for this segment, we shall be studying the inhabitants of the Namimori region, such as: the impressively under-evolved The Tsuna, the dwarf-sized Misfit Trainer, the explosive 59, and many more distinctive specimens that inhabit this area.

This study has been made in order to give the both the viewer and researchers a better understanding of the uniqueness of the individual hominids residing in the Namimori region.


	2. The Tsuna

**Nippon Geographic presents: **

**The Tsuna**

Life is not so bad if you have plenty of luck, a good physique and not too much imagination. ---Christopher Isherwoo

The Tsuna, as the public well knows, is a sub-species of Homo erectus nipponicus, an ancient and primitive race that, unlike its more advanced cousins within the Homo Sapiens branch has been regulated by time and evolution as a hunting dummy for infant predators and stress relief for bored herbivores.

This creature has always had a well known tendency to fail spectacularly in the academic, athletic, socialization – surrounding oneself with well-meaning individuals - and overall 'good luck' aspects of his society; positioning himself as an unwanted outcast and getting stuck with the more disagreeable chores the higher standing hominids, do not wish to do.

Scientists believe, that if compared to a wolf pack, The Tsuna would in fact be a scruffy looking omega female - with lower than acceptable stamina, high discoordination levels, bullied by all those of a higher status within the chain of command, being entrusted with the less desirable jobs, cowardly reactions to the most minuscule sign of aggression and occasionally being bitten to death.

We say female, not in terms of biology, but rather because even the females of the same social hierarchy are not expected to, nor do they, show any submissive posturing when confronted with this creature.

Scholars have studied The Tsuna in its natural habitat for countless years and have determined that this being is but a creature of habit and rarely if ever changes routine. In fact, The Tsuna has a tendency to become exceedingly anxious, nervous, semi-paranoid and in more extreme cases near hysterical if such became the case.

Here we have compiled the file regarding Sawada Tsunayoshi, better known to the observers as Dame-Tsuna or No-Good Tsuna, a The Tsuna who up until recently has shown remarkably no deviations from the above mentioned characteristics of its kind.

Dame-Tsuna since his infant stages, through the elementary education of his race and up until the rest period before his midway educational term commenced, has routinely awoken late and slipped an average of 3.27 times on his bed-covering getting ready for the day, hit his head and/or fallen once to the floor.

Occasionally, Dame-Tsuna, glances at his calendar an average of 3.18 seconds before leaving his nest (it should be noted that this specimen tends to pay more attention to his calendar at nights – 2.34 min. - and only to tick off the days), which upon descending to the lower level of his family's den it is not unusual for this specimen to trip or even fall down the stairs in his haste to rush to his learning facility.

And every morning, The Tsuna is found cowering from the Chihuahua that lives next-door, its natural predator. This rat sized dog is well known for being able to strike fear in the Dame-Tsuna with just growling.

Despite all the above mentioned reasons for considering the The Tsuna specimen #27 a Homo erectus nipponicus, there have been motions to reevaluate this creature's binomial nomenclature (scientific name), due to many recent startling observations that had arisen soon after the Misfit Trainer's arrival into Dame-Tsuna's life (giving way to the need to go over previous observations), from Homo erectus nipponicus to Homo naenderthalensis nipponicus.

Putting Dame-Tsuna at Neanderthal level may seem a bit hasty after having read the above mentioned, however, the facts speak for themselves.

Just under the first hour after their first confrontation, the Misfit Trainer – with a toy gun and blanks – shot No-Good Tsuna. Specimen #27 was so startled at his (not really) near death experience that the subject for a few minutes lost all sight of his rationality.

In those few minutes, Dame-Tsuna showed unparalleled speed as he rushed off in search for the Child of the Sunflowers (not to be confused with the Snow Child of the Sunflowers, better known as Hetalia's Russia), putting to shame the very captain of Namimori's Track Team.

Researchers crossed out body-snatching due to the numerous displays of stupidity the subject presented: getting lost on its way to its own learning institution in its haste to find Nami-chuu's school idol, screaming at the top of its lungs incoherent things that sound suspiciously like 'REBORN!' or 'With my dying will…', and running into a truck.

This display of sub-level rationality because of a light scare is solid proof that Namimori's The Tsuna isn't at a Homo sapiens IQ level, however the sheer amount of strength (he survived his collision course with the truck without a scratch) and speed when faced with, what he ignorantly believed to be a life and death situation, has proved that No-Good Tsuna is less useless than previously thought.

An even better base for our claim would be Specimen #27's reaction to bullying. The subject presents no suicidal tendencies, social disorders, nor a twisted view of the world; in fact, one would be able to say that The Tsuna has a very realistic world view. If it were not for his low self esteem, below average athletic capabilities, and even worse grades, one could say that The Tsuna was a nice normal male Homo sapiens.

Neanderthals are externally similar to Homo sapiens and only differ in their lower IQ levels and ape-like strength.

We believe that it is because of Dame-Tsuna's underdeveloped IQ that he doesn't quite get how disconsoling his being bullied is, but has developed low self-esteem issues because he _can_ understand it to a certain point.

Hopefully with the appearance of the Misfit Trainer, Home Tutor Hitman Reborn, The Tsuna will have an even greater chance to be a productive member of society.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**AN:** OK, I know I said that I'd be taking requests, but Tsuna is the protagonist so he gets first dibs.

This Nippon Geographic report happens before Tsuna's duel with Mochida-sempai, so if somebody doesn't appreciate this report on our dear Tuna-fish (no, I don't hate him at all even though the above might say otherwise) just ask for a report done at a later time within the series.

Next week, we're presenting Reborn's segment as a gift to Saiyukigallie for being my first reviewer!

However, it would seem that we are going to be seeing Namimori's Disciplinary Committee's Chairman after that, unless I get more requests for any of the other Namimori denizens.

**Requests, so far****:**

**- ****Hibari: 2**

**- ****Reborn: 1**


	3. The Misfit Trainer

**The Nippon Geographic presents:**** the Misfit Trainer**

_Someone said to Voltaire, "Life is hard." Voltaire replied, "Compared to what?_

In the Namimori Region it is not uncommon for creatures big and small to pass through looking for sources of food and water that can better sustain them as the seasons change.

One such creature is the Misfit Trainer, which is the size of a human infant, dressed as a Mafioso. This being even goes as far as to intentionally trick its hosts into believing such so as to have better control over them using fear.

It also possesses an uncanny intelligence that leads us to believe that it is an incredibly short midget rather than a baby.

Home Tutor Hitman Reborn, or as we like to call him specimen R, is a Misfit Trainer that can be distinguished by having a symbiotic relationship with a chameleon that likes to sunbathe on the Misfit Trainer's fedora.

A type of Homo Sapiens Mafiosi Infanti, the Misfit Trainer lives a nomadic life moving from one area to another. It gains its means of sustenance by leeching food and water from one of the many misfits and outcasts living in the area.

On occasion, the number of misfits trained or assisted by the Homo Sapiens Mafioso Infanti may increase to up to five individuals - though the creature's main focus shall always be on its host.

The Misfit Trainer has been known to repay the stolen nourishment by making the misfit in question hone whatever little ability it has so as to make itself useful to society. The term by 'hook or by crook' can easily be applied to the type of training the Homo Sapiens Mafiosi Infanti, and especially the Misfit Trainer, is known for.

Within the Region of Namimori Misfit Trainers are better known as a home tutors. Sadistic Home Tutor, however, is a title excessively used when it concerns specimen R and has since become more of a synonym for this individual.

Specimen R may be a good omen for The Tsuna of Namimori, for it seems that its Mater Admirabilis has recently been made aware of the signs of specimen R's presence within the area, and has proceeded to entice R into paying attention to her useless offspring.

Mater Admirabilis, though unfortunate for bringing the Namimori The Tsuna specimen #27 to this world, has always acted as her name implies: an admirable mother. And as an admirable mother, who is sadly aware of the bottom-feeder status her son has always had and the possible social redemption the Misfit Trainer could bring Dame-Tsuna, she has sent a call, that researchers have still yet to understand the mechanics of, and like a shark to blood the Misfit Trainer has now arrived and settled within the dwellings of The Tsuna's family's den.

The home tutor's private life has been throughout the decades an unknown mystery to scientists and observers everywhere. But just recently our investigation crew has made a startling discovery. It appears that Home Tutor Hitman Reborn is really from the Itali…

**-----------------**

_***BANG!!* *BANG!!***_

"_Ciaossu! _

_Undecipherable sounds can be heard in the background. It almost appears as if two people are discussing something._

_One man hollers in outrage, but is silenced by…_

_A gun has been cocked._

"_P-please, don't shoot!"_

_Even on this side of the paper one can almost see the would-be shooter's confident smirk, as things go as planned._

**-----------------**

**Misfit Trainer Rewrite:**

The Misfit Trainer is as his title describes a creature that goes out and trains misfits into being productive members of society.

It is a short but admittedly strong being. It is very much like a dwarf, except much calmer and without the battle-ax. IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ITALY!!!

The sadistic bloodthirsty attitude it possesses is a tool used to curb its host and other outcasts' more distasteful tendencies and NOT JUST BECAUSE IT HAS A GUN AND _KNOWS_ CERTAIN PEOPLE.

Though it is most unfortunate that we have no other information about this creature, we will have to make do with what we have as we move on to the next specimen.

Time is of the essence and though it is quite sad we could not see more of this curious creature, we must continue our journey into the midst of Namimori's distinctive wildlife.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

AN: Wow, I didn't know that so many ppl liked it so much! Well, I hope you liked this chapter and, of course, constructive criticism is very much appreciated (but, remember to be kind, I'm a sensitive soul XD). And while you're at it, maybe, somebody can help give me a tie-breaker!

**Requests:**

Hibari: 5

Gokudera: 5

Yamamoto: 4

Haru: 1

Lambo: 1


	4. The 'BiteUsToDeath'Us

**The Nippon Geographic presents: ****The 'Bite-us-to-Death'-us**

_Governments are not running the show anymore. Scumbag Entrepreneurs are, and they have a harsh and ruthless agenda.__  
__**Ralph Steadman**_

**A/N: *Gets kicked out of hiding* Right. Well, …uhm… real life decided I was allowed to have a life again… I give you Hibari's segment by right of vote and to keep those nice and pointy pitchforks you have there, in the barn. FAR AWAY FROM ME!**

Sharing the Namimori Region with The Tsuna, the Misfit Trainer, the 'Touch of Death' Beauty, and many others is the 'Bite-us-to-Death'-us, a fearsome super-predator that lords over all other predators (Yankee, Yakuza, Teachers, Doctors, Japanese Military – every possible authoritive figure known to man) in the land.

Scientists initially classified this creature as a Yankee. A lowly predator that usually, though not exclusively, hunts in groups, whose territory only governs a chosen learning institution (high-schools are generally used for this function, but it isn't rare to find them within lower learning institutions, as is this case).

The evidence of the 'Bite-us-to-Death'-us using the Disciplinary Committee as its pack (now understood as lackeys, rather than hunting companions of any sort), misled many to believe the Yankee hypothesis. Now we know it just happens to **like** discipline and order, and **hates** crowding herbivores (which can be found by the dozen within any educational institution).

Based on its actions within and without Nami-chuu, observers have come to the conclusion that the 'Bite-us-to-Death'-us is in fact a top-notch predator who bows to no one, glorifies itself with violence and bloodshed, and whose only visible goal - other than gaining respect, out of fear, from the authorities so as to do as it wishes, when it wishes, how it wishes - is to find worthy opponents and then 'Bite them to DEATH!'. The intensity within the actions of this creature has more than given us a reason to refer to the 'Bite-us-to-Death'-us as a budding Yakuza Lord. For it is truly a rising super-predator.

When it comes to its interactions with the rest of the inhabitants of Namimori, we find that the 'Bite-us-to-Death'-us generally shows itself to be apathic in regards to the rest of the world, unless, the order and discipline it cherishes so much is compromised - or it feels that the herbivores are crowding a little too close to it.

We feel it is noteworthy to add that The Tsuna's Misfit Trainer has against all odds arisen the interest of the 'Bite-us-to-Death'-us, and even more miraculously is that the 'Bite-us-to-Death'-us has not fought with specimen R **once**, since gaining his attention! Although we feel that this is much due to a secret method the Home Tutor has put in use so as to be able to freely teach the dim-witted The Tsuna without interference from the Chairman of the Disciplinary Committee, it is still a tremendous feat.

Speculations have been made about the 'Bite-us-to-Death'-us's future, we have come to three possible conclusions:

- Don of a foreign Mafia.

- Yakuza Lord of all Japan.

- Japanese Prime Minister.

The second option is so far the most accepted amongst well-known scholars.

Despite these many fear-inducing detractors within the 'Bite-us-to-Death'-us' personality, eyewitnesses have made a few observations that give reason to believe that the 'Bite-us-to-Death'-us has a much sweater, though thoroughly hidden side.

Proof of this statement can be found exhibited proudly as the 'Bite-us-to-Death'-us' ring tone (it has Nami-chuu's school anthem) showing an exorbitant amount of loyalty this creature feels towards its territories' headquarters. Another example is the way how it cutely …

"**I'll bite you to death**." A voice eerily cut through the reporter's diatribe.

"Oh, no! Not aga-aaAAAHH!"

**BANG**

**SMASH**

**POW**

**AAHH!**

**CRASH**

What was left of the camera crew and the bits and pieces of the camera salvaged from the attack, were calmly dragged out of school grounds by the members of the Disciplinary Committee as their Chairman left to attend to other possible…issues.

**Votes****:**

Belphegor **1**

Fran ** 1**

Mukuro **1**

Dino **2**

Yamamoto **3**

Gokudera **5**

Haru **1**

Lambo **1**


	5. Tako nelle Paco

**The Nippon Geographic presents: The ****Irritable 59**

"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself."

Josh Billings 

_Homo Sapiens Fervidus Italus are hominids that originally come from Italy, although the subgroup 59 seems to present chara__cteristics from other areas, such as the Nippon Rett__ō__. _

For the last several weeks we have been observing the movements of The Tsuna in its learning facility and have come across a rare subspecies of Homo Sapiens Fervidus Italus, a 59 that scientists have come to affectionately call 'Tako nelle Paco' ('Tako' is Japanese for octopus) due to his hairsty…uhum…the shape of his mane and his excessive obsession with skulls – which our more worldly observers have linked to the Day of the Dead, a Mexican holiday in which skulls and skeletons are a widely used theme.

The name 'Paco' (American stereotypical name for a Spanish speaking (read: Mexican) male) was originally bestowed upon the 59 when one of the researchers mistook the subject's Italian ramblings for Spanish. One of our female fieldworkers, however, was the one to suggest changing his name from 'Paco el Tako' to 'Tako nelle Paco', to give it a more _Italian air_.

These creatures are well known to be intelligent, passionate individuals that are unshakably loyal to the (lucky) person they swear themselves to.

59s are an especially aggressive sub-group that is prone to getting into extremely violent fights at the slightest provocation. They are very responsive beings, so be careful with what you say or do around them as they are likely to explode in a cacophony of sound and articulate street fighting - usually done with weapons, which observers believe to also act as symbolic representations of the individual's own personality and creativity.

Tako nelle Paco is probably the poster boy for a typical 59. His grades are an A+ average, he knows how to play the piano (according to his elementary school records), he dresses like a delinquent – and acts like one, too – as well as, using fireworks as his main weapon of choice - not so typical, but it's still a loud, explosive weapon that can cause harm to others.

To sum it up, he looks and acts like the most likely candidate to enter a gang, but with his intelligence and skill for music he is obviously a sensitive soul that is easily hurt and tries to use his excessive bravado to shield himself from the wor- **BOOM!**

"_OK, which one of you fuckers called the Tenth a Neanderthal? I know it was you guys, I saw that article! How dare you use my favorite magazine to deface the Tenth's __honor!"_

"…_we surrender. Please, don't hurt us!"_

_**!BOOM!**_

**And, that ends (prematurely) this month's edition of Nippon Geographic. Tune in next time to find out which will be our next fascinating specimen.**

**-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.**

**AN: **Just so that we're clear about things, I've got a strange allergic reaction to my thesis. It makes rocks my new best friends.

As for my previous chapter's reviewer,** NeoGene**, how did you know I was half buried under an ungodly amount of geology texts?

As for the rest of you…I'm sorry for abandoning you all! So, how about if I let you decide whether or not I make a second part for this chapter, staring Gokudera's relationship with Octopus Paul?

**Votes:**

Belphegor **1**

Fran **1**

Mukuro **1**

Dino **2**

Yamamoto **4**

Haru **1**

Lambo **1**


End file.
